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nutshell   
08:43pm 23/10/2009
  sandy: i think you should get your hair cut before the interview
me: i think it's pretty short right now
sandy: do you want to get the job or not? [with attitude]
me: you dont have to give me such attitude
sandy: i dont have attitude. you have attitude
me: i think its funny that you think you can talk to me however you want.
linda: you want to get your hair cut so that they dont read you one way or the other
me: i'd be happier to take your advice if you spoke to me in a more civil way
linda: fine, shoot yourself in the foot then
me: i just told you i'd be more likely to take your advice if you spoke to me in a civil way
linda: what?
 
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10:25pm 23/04/2009
  i got an email from my mom just now. the body was, "it's dangerous to work with me."

the forwarded message was that one of my mom's former coworkers killed his family and himself in a hotel room. it was on the front page of the new york post.

thats pretty fucked up.
 
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you know how when...   
08:36am 09/04/2009
  you know how when youve been playing a video game too much and you see it with your eyes closed? a similar thing happened to me yesterday. i was really tired and i'd just watched an hour and a half of french short films. i peed, and the noise of the pee hitting the water sounded like rapid-fire french words. They were going by too fast for me to really hear or interpret, but if i concentrated i could hear brief phrases. there really wasn't any continuity for more than a few words at a time.  
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01:16am 03/04/2009
  "i have no idea whats going on in your life so i'm just going to assume the way you're speaking means your tired and that you should get off the phone and go to bed and call us later"

i guess going to bed is in fact a good idea
 
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01:04am 01/04/2009
  its kinda tempting to give up  
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01:03am 01/04/2009
  ffffffffffffffffffffuck  
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02:42pm 28/03/2009
  lately i go to bed feeling fine, sleep well, and wake up all sweaty.

i was going to write a real entry but it's too tempting to get back in bed.
 
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update:   
03:03pm 08/03/2009
  "I think you don't take the situation seriously enough
the money you leave lying around is money we are borrowing
you should try harder"
 
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well....   
03:05pm 07/03/2009
  I got the following emails today:

subject: dad and I are having a powow tonight

body: merrill lynch balance is
-45,106

send your pennies this way and don't spend any extra

and,


subject: ddr abd gave tiy tried kefir yet?

bodY: I could sell some stock but our portfolio dropped
about half a million in the past few months

scrounging around for change in your rooms; found
a lot; you should not squirrel it away;
I am borrowing money to pay for wasted change



Oh, the four of us have wasted 45 thousand dollars in change? i get it. If you didn't know, my mom has a law degree. When she was actually taking clients and working (which stopped like five years ago) she was making quite a bit of money. I responded to the second email with,

body: searching for change doesnt seem to be a very efficient use of time. are you guys filing for bankruptcy? what do you think the odds are


i hope i can finish college. i wonder if our house would sell with the economy as it is.
 
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this weekend, i...   
12:09am 18/02/2009
  went to a divebar
had romantic valentines day
got bomb-ass indian food
smoked a srawberry blunt
wandered around downtown
drove to indiana
shot a gun
ate popeyes
stole(?) popeyes


and did no work.

somehow i didnt realize i'd done a serious amount of things until my friend pointed it out.
 
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06:18pm 12/02/2009
  today in the mail, i received a debit card from my family. it comes glued to a piece of paper which describes what the fucking deal is with the card. all of this information has been cut off of the paper.


im 90% sure that this is my family passive-aggressively trying to tell me i spend too much money. i'm 50% sure that the paper was cut up in order to keep me from knowing anything.
 
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07:55pm 04/02/2009
  i got brain freeze in ODE today. i wonder if anyone noticed.



my grades from fall quarter were really wearing on me for the past few weeks. and i didnt even notice. i dont know why i never actually thought about this. like a week ago, i thought this in as many words, and it was a huge relief. hoooray being human.
 
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11:33pm 27/01/2009
  tonight dinner was:
scotch,
butter top bread,
camambert with herbs
 
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01:35am 14/12/2008
  i think im losing my ability to feel things intensely and be unfazed.

i used to take pride in this.

one memory that sticks with me is of standing in the foyer by the door and seeing my mom throw a box of model trains down the stairs. i remember hearing something, thinking my sister was laughing a bit, seeing her start to cry, and feeling a little proud at not letting this mess with me.

granted, this was more pride at not-feeling as opposed to pride at not letting my feelings affect me.



i smoked yesterday and im still feeling a little loopy. i had some glenlivet and a cigarette a few minutes ago. i think that as an adult, i want to feel something like this always. im not feeling doom.



today i talked to my sister. she said something along the lines of "you can do anything you want as long as you stop dipping." we started talking a little bit about tobacco vs alcohol. she thinks tobacco is worse because it kills you faster. i made the point that alcohol fucks your life up way more in the long period before you die from it, whereas smoking/dipping doesnt really make you act in really fucked up ways.

i brought up that i'd seen a documentary on a professional skateboarder and his brother. their mom ditched them to go be an alcoholic with her abusive boyfriend. her response was "okay"

i felt vaguely anxious upon reading this. i realized that, when i talk to my siblings, i feel like i cant usually just bring something up for the sake of conversation. a response like "okay" implied that she was really like, expecting something that had to do with the exact thread that was going before.

i dont know.




people like that pathetic old guy who takes phiosophy classes make it hard to dismiss the fear of being surrounded by uninteresting people when i leave academia.

no wait, they dont.
 
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01:26am 12/12/2008
  awful awful awful awful day.

i want to grow up to be someone who thinks about things other than work when he leaves work.
 
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02:13am 09/12/2008
  im undeniably making progress at feeling comfortable with myself  
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..   
02:46am 06/12/2008
  to preface: detail 1: one of my uncles is named billy. he's a mathematician at depaul and he's all pumped that im studying algebra and shit. detail 2: lately my gchat statuses have been about math. for example, the status is currently "fundamental theorem of finite abelian groups?"


now, a real life gchat conversation:

Dai: quot showing off in your away mesages
me: i have like 2 gchat friends
one of whom is billy
Dai: oh
well one of them thinks you're showing off

i realize he was IMing me just to fuck with me so i did not respond past this point
 
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01:07pm 03/12/2008
  i get knots in my upper back/neck

sometimes i feel like im becoming more like my parents lately
 
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02:34am 01/12/2008
  i just want to go to sleep

im not going to write up my complex for class tomorrow.

just algebra.

and sleep.

i got so little done. i have no idea how to prioritize work tomorrow and the next day.

i feel like i am going to fail my exams.




the past few weeks have just been a return to previous years of college.
 
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10:10pm 25/11/2008
  our lives are all just huge piles of steaming self-deceit-flavored shit.  
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